back at the doorstep

chapter 3

CJ McCormac Bloom had fire for hair and a tongue to match. Fortunately for the common man (and woman), she also had a laugh winsome enough to mend any wounds that her words cut.

"I suppose you'll want to stay up all night?" she asked as her husband, three hobbits and her stepdaughter staggered up stairs to the front door with Elijah at the tail. The way they progressed up the three slate steps, one would have thought they were scaling Mount Everest.

"Sheejay, m'love." Orlando pushed off of Sean's head to drape himself over his wife. Fortunately, CJ was leanly athletic not just spindly and she was able to stay upright. "Give us a smooch."

"You smell like a brewery." She sniffed again. "An expensive brewery though."

Elijah also took in a test sniff. "As if Ian would stand for anything else... oof!" Sean, Billy, Dom, and Mira, who were using Orlando as a crutch against gravity, had slowly been tipping to one side as they trailed through the door until Mira finally slumped backward, her head smacking against Elijah's shoulder with a hollow "thwock."

CJ snorted, not unkindly. "Herd them into the games room. I'm sure as long as they've got a blanket and a pillow to cuddle up against, they'll be fine." Orlando half-heartedly snuffled at his wife's neck. "Silly Brit. I was going to give you wild monkey sex tonight, too."

"Can still!" Orlando screwed his face up belligerently.

It really was a lovely face, CJ reflected, the kind that every woman wanted to scratch out because the lines at the corners of his eyes and those faintly bracketing his mouth only made him look more handsome. "You're forty-three not twenty-three, darling. You'll take one more step and pass out."

"Will not," he insisted before promptly doing just that.

CJ rolled her eyes and made a face much to her guest's amusement. "It's a good thing that I'm crazy about you, Mr. Bloom." She tilted her head up. "Would you mind grabbing some blankets, Lij? It's in the second door on your left upstairs."

"Not a problem." The American sprinted up the stairs for the linen closet.

CJ noted Mira's half-closed eyes with a grin. Orlando must have been far gone indeed to allow her to get wobbly in his presence. "Christ." she grunted, falling back a step. "I'm enjoying thinking of ways to make you pay for this, Bloom." She managed a few more steps before tripping over a semi-conscious Sean. Orlando slipped out of her arms, managing to land his upper half on the nearest couch.

"Here are the blankets." Elijah head was hidden up to the eyes by a colourful pile of fleece. "Have you thought up a suitable enough punishment?"

"Nah. Just let them middle-aged bodies wake up tomorrow morning. Nature is revenge enough." As she dragged Mira on the couch-- not too difficult considering the girl's size-- CJ watched her only conscious guest carefully tuck a throw pillow under Billy's head then smartly snap a plaid over his body. "Why aren't you with them?"

"I found out when I turned thirty that my body couldn't take alcohol and jetlag at the same time any more." Elijah nudged Sean's head away from the sharp edge of a table. "Just leave me with a pot of coffee and I'll be fine."

"Hold on." CJ's hands lingered on Orlando's chest as she smoothed down the blanket, then moved up to pat his shadowed cheeks. "I'll stay up with you," she told Elijah. "I just woke up myself; it'll be nice to have another coffee drinker around."

There were no doors between the kitchen and the rest of the living area, giving the cozy little home an airy feeling. Multicoloured mosaics dotted the floor and the walls under the cupboards, the geometrical designs almost forming an image. It was a functional kitchen, not like the showroom piece Elijah had in his apartment, with green things hanging from the ceiling and a nearly empty fruit basket in the middle of the island.

"Ah. I remember OB's tea obsession." Elijah stepped to one side, allowing her to lead the way to the kitchen.

"Revolting, isn't it? That man puts stuff in tea that really isn't meant to be tea. I swear, one time, I saw him put in grass clippings after he mowed the lawn."

Laughter shot out of Elijah's tightly pursed lips, despite his care not to wake his friends up. Those green things hanging from the ceiling took on a more humourous light.

"No one else here drinks coffee," CJ said. "Apparently, I'm betraying the Commonwealth by drinking coffee. Could you pass me the pot?"

Elijah snagged the upturned carafe from the sink. "I still can't believe you traded in the best part of the Rockies for him." Elijah jerked his head to the living room where a painful chorus of snores was starting up. "Whatever it was that he bribed you with, it wasn't worth it."

CJ smothered her laugh with one hand. "I'm not quite sure how it happened, actually. One minute, I was visiting the Tower of London with Jill; the next thing I know, I was in front of a judge saying 'I, Christina-Joan, take you, Orlando, as my lawfully wedded husband.' It was kind of scary." She shook her head, pouring water from the pot into the container at the back. "He's... very persuasive."

"Good to know some things never change."

"You and me both." CJ turned her mug around and around, tracing the raised decoration with her thumbs. "We missed you."

Elijah smiled and ducked his head away, hiding the damned emotions. Taking a grateful sniff of the percolating brew, he sighed, eyes half-closing in ecstasy. "That smells like heaven."

"Better watch those pretty eyes, Mr. Wood." CJ rested her chin on one hand and fluttered her lashes frantically at him. "You looked very delectable just then and I'm not sure it'll do wonders for my marriage if I jumped you right now." Her forehead wrinkled. "Not to mention we'd probably knock over the coffee-maker and get burns in the most embarrassing places."

This time, Elijah couldn't hold back his laughter. "You know what?" he asked five minutes later when he could get air back into his lungs. "I'm going to like having a vacation here."

At seven sharp the next morning, after taking her morning shower, Mira slid down the banister as she always did, landing with as loud a thud as she could manage.

Her father tucked his head deeper in his arms and groaned. CJ laughed which only made his head throb even harder.

"Didn't you promise a scant three years ago that you'd love and cherish me thorough sickness and health? That's cherish through sickness, CJ."

She only laughed louder, making the hobbits groan as well.

"Serves you all right," said CJ. "Playing at being teenagers." She carefully placed glasses of tomato juice and a handful of B-vitamin pills in the middle of the table.

"Please, love, wasn't waking up with Billy in my arms punishment enough?" Orlando, eyes still closed, picked up the nearest glass and sipped cautiously.

"Oh, yuir traumatized?" Billy glared out at Orlando through his fingers. "Yuir no' the one whose... whose... package was fondled by a skinny, foul-breathed, drooling Sassenach!"

"I thought you were CJ!"

CJ crossed her arms. "So now I'm a hairy Scotsman, Orli?"

"Stop that train of thought right there.," Sean cried, holding a hand up. "Bad mental images. My stomach can't take this!" He swallowed his tomato juice and B-vitamins shakily. For a second, it looked as if his stomach was going to rebel. Thankfully, that wasn't the case. "Can I use your phone to check if Christine and the kids have left?"

"Just under the microwave." CJ gestured in the general direction. "Don't worry about overseas charges."

Sean blithely ignored her and called collect anyway. Meanwhile Dom sauntered in perfectly upright and bright-eyed. He headed for the sideboard, casually spreading butter and jam on toast and putting cream in his tea. "Good morning, everyone! Such beautiful faces; the epitome of England in the summertime."

Billy's eyes narrowed even further. "And who went and shoved the sun up yuir arse?"

Dom patted his stomach. "Old restaurateur's trick I picked up in Italy. I haven't had a hangover in six years."

"I hate you."

Dom blew a kiss at Billy. "Anyone for eggs? Porridge? Kidney pie dripping with thick, greasy, succulent gravy?"

"How did you manage to get married?" Orlando inquired too politely for someone who'd taken on a green tinge.

"I think he keeps her on drugs," said Billy. "Sneaks it into her food. Christ, please, someone cut my head off."

"Good morning, everyone!" Mira's appearance was more toned down than Dom's but equally, disgustingly cheerful. "What will you do today, children?"

"Die," was Billy's muffled groan. He'd sunk his head back between his arms where there was blessed darkness.

"I was planning on showing Lij about," said Orlando. "But Frances called in and said there's some sort of emergency at the studio so I'm going to have a look-see." He grimaced, taking another sip of tomato juice. "Just as soon as my head floats back onto my neck."

"I can show him around, Papa." Toast crumbs fell from Mira's lips as she spoke. "It'll give me a chance to practice driving."

Orlando's brows rose. "On second thought, maybe he'd be better off with me."

CJ nudged him none too gentle on the shoulder. "Come off it, Orli. She drives better than I do."

"That's not saying much, is it, beloved?"

"Someone's going to get a lap full of tea," CJ said so sweetly the words could be wrapped in foil and sold during Easter.

Mira chewed thoughtfully on her toast. "I truly don't mind, Papa," she said, pushing the half-masticated bread to one cheek. "I was just going to fart around today since the big boss is sick."

Billy flipped her the finger. "I can still tell you to swab the decks, wench."

"Where is he, anyway?" Orlando slowly swung his head from side to side.

"Still sleeping," answered CJ. "We went to bed about an hour before you all woke up."

"We went to bed?" Dom waggled his eyebrows are her. "Only three years and you've tossed in brown eyes for blue?"

"You betcha! Brown is so blah."

"Hrmph." Orlando gave her his best glare. "I distinctly remember you mentioning wild monkey sex at some point last night."

"I was talking to Lij."

"Oh, you were, were you?" Billy bobbed his head down in a knowing manner. He and Dom traded wide-eyed glances and rubbed their grizzled chins.

"You know," Dom said, eye searching the ceiling for inspiration. "They were friends first."

"Begging your pardon." Mira raised her hand. "Please remember that it's my parents you're talking about and that last thing I really need on the last stretch of my development into adulthood is the visual of them having--" she shuddered dramatically "--wild monkey sex with anyone much less with each other in the room just across the hall from mine."

"Good point." Dom wrinkled his nose over his tea. "No offence to you, CJ-- you're a bloody goddess-- but all these years of hearing fantasies involving the Tampon Elf over there is the main reason why I've managed to stay thin. " He patted his nonexistent belly. "I'm either puking or laughing off the calories."

"Bite me," snarled Orlando.

"Thank you, no. You'd give me indigestion."

"Besides, he's mine." Billy lunged sideways to grab Dom around the waist. "A hundred thousand fan writers can't be wrong, eh?"

"My ownnnnn, my preciousssss." Dom squeezed Billy for all he was worth and dropped a kiss on his head. "Leave Jillian for me, darling Pippin!"

"As long as ye leave Anita for me, Merry, m'love!" declared Billy, throwing his head back, hand to his brow.

"In a New York minute."

"Joy!" Billy shot to his feet, albeit a bit sideways, and dipped Dom over his arm, pressing their lips together. "Hmmmmwah!"

"Cunting hell, Billy." Dom smacked his lips and made a face. "You've thrown my bloody back out!"

"Yuir back? What about me? Ye weight a stone heavier."

"Like hell I do. I'm not the one with a spare tire inflating around my waist."

"They're love handles." Billy crossed his arms and turned up his nose. "Jillian says they're cute."

"Jillian thinks you're cute, too, so we all know how bad her taste is."

"Are ye insulting my wife?"

"No, I'm insulting you."

"That's it! The affair is over!"

Now it was Dom's turn to cross his arms. "Fine! I'm keeping the mink coat."

"Go right on ahead. It was actually cat anyway!"

They glowered at each other for a full minute before falling to the floor with hearty guffaws. Sean, finally finishing up his phone call, calmly stepped over the convulsing pair to get to his seat.

"Christ." Orlando rolled his eyes. "I remember why I accidentally-on-purpose lost touch with you two."

"Pass the toast?" Sean asked no one in particular.