of the ringer

Hello, this is Andre. Leave a message and I'll ring back soon. Leave a sexy message and I'll ring back sooner. *Beeeeeeeeep*

"Atti, mate, guess what Mira did! She held herself up for a whole minute and three weeks earlier than most kids do! You'd better get over here soon so you can see it for yourself. Aren't you glad you're going to be her godfather?"

Hey, this is Elijah's phone. I'm here but I'm avoiding someone so if I don't call you back... well, them's the breaks. *Beeeeeeep*

"Hey, 'Lij, you'll never guess what Mira did today! She lifted herself up on her hands and knees! Isn't that the most fantastic thing you've ever heard? It says in the book that she shouldn't be doing that for another couple of weeks. She's a bloody genius!"

Hello, you've reached Sean, Christine, Alexa, and Josh. Leave your name, number, and a short message and we'll get back to you. Thanks. *Beeeeeeep*

"Hey, this is Orli and I've got smashing news! Mira can keep her body up for a minute now! Isn't that wild? The book you lent me says that she's not supposed to do that until she's around seven months. Just wanted to let you know how smart my girl is, just like her papa. Ciao!"

Hi, this is Billy. If ye want tae leave a message, please wait fer th' tone. If ye want tae leave yer name an' number, please press pound, press 3, then dial yer name, then press 6 an' dial yer number. If ye want tae leave yer name an' just a message, press star, press 6, ask fer extension 4443, then leave yer name an' message. If ye want tae leave yer number an' the time ye called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and--*BEEEEEEEEEEP*

"Billy, where are you, you manky git! I was going to invite you over for a wee celebration of the fact that my clever, darling Mira can lift herself up for an entire minute. I thought you arrived back yesterday."

Hello, this is Sean. I'm not here at the moment so please leave your name and number and I'll get right back to you. Cheers. *Beeeep*

"Sean, it's Orli and Mira. Mira kept herself up on her hands and knees today! Come over and celebrate! You haven't seen the pictures of Mira that Viggo took yet."

Creamed asparagus! *BEEEEEP*

"…Dom, you're weird. Don't remember if you're in town but if you are, come on over. I'm having a bash to celebrate Mira's going on all fours for an entire minute. She's the cleverest little thing, isn't she?"

Hello, you've reached Ian and Nick. We're not available at the moment, but we'll gladly get back to you at the soonest possible moment. Thank you and--

"Hello?"

"Ian, me old cock! How're you doing?"

"Orli, is that you?"

"Yeah."

"You do know that it's… 6:17 in the morning, don't you?"

"I know, but I've got the best news, ever, mate!"

"…"

"Mira went up on all fours today for a minute; well, almost a minute. I was giving her a bottle and she just looked up and popped up on her knees! She's not supposed to do that until she's seven months old and she's only six months and ten days."

"Good for her then, my dear boy."

"Yeah, she's precocious."

"Is that all then?"

"Well, if you're not busy later on today, I was going to hold a party in celebration."

"Just like that party you had a while back in celebration of her being able to lift her head up?"

"Yeah."

"And the one a month ago in celebration of her being able to finish five bottles in one day?"

"Yeah."

"And the one a few days after that in celebration of her ability to grab at her toys?"

"Erm… yeah… So… Will you come?"

"Of course, my boy. I wouldn't miss it. It's always a pleasure to see my favourite girl."

"Right then, I'll be seeing you."

"You shall. Good-bye."

"Bye."

*Click*

"…hrrmm….. who was that?"

"Just Orli again, love."

"Christ, what did Mira do now?"

"Lifted herself up. Go back to sleep."

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

"Viggo, it's Sean. Any second now, Orli's going to call you about Mira's amazing body-lifting abilities. Try to sound properly enthused. By the way, Dom told me to tell you, and I quote, 'Did you have to spend four whole rolls on her?' end quote. Apparently, in lieu of the cinemas last week, Orli decided to have a Mira Showcase Review."

Hello, this is Andre. Leave a message and I'll ring back soon. Leave a sexy message and I'll ring back sooner. *Beeeeeeeeep*

"It's Orli again, mate. Mira's said her first word! She said 'Pa' while she was spitting out the bottle I was giving her. Wait, wait, let me give her the phone so you can hear… say 'Pa' for Atti, love, come on… go on, sweetheart, don't be shy…

"…

"Well, she's probably just not in the mood. Ring you later."

Hey, this is Elijah's phone. I'm here but I'm avoiding someone so if I don't call you back…well, them's the breaks. *Beeeeeeep*

"Lij! Lij, I swear Mira said my name. I was giving her another bottle and she was spitting it up and right in the middle, she said 'Pa'. Get it? As in short for Papa? My God, she's so smart!"

Hello, you've reached Sean, Christine, Alexa and Josh. Leave your name, number, and a short message and we'll get back to you. Thanks. *Beeeeeeep*

"Sam, it's Frodo. You weren't as nutty as OB when Alexa was born, were you? If I ever have kids, please shoot me before I get that bad."

"Billy! Mira can say 'Pa.' You've *got* to come over and hear her, mate!"

Creamed asparagus! * BEEEEEP*

"Dom, this is Viggo. Just reminding you to give that batch of pictures--yes, all four rolls--to OB before he suffers a coronary. Tell him that I'll try to come over sometime in January to get more shots; Mira's a fantastic model."

Hello, this is Sean. I'm not here at the moment. I'm not here at the moment so please leave your name and number please, and I'll get right back to you. Cheers. *Beeeep*

"Sean, this is Billy. If Orli's called ye already--of course, he's called ye already-- tell him I've got a gig in Outer Mongolia. Mira's an adorable wee mite but she hates me guts. Remember all the times I've been puked on? Seventy-two times! Seventy-two separate projectiles vomits an' I've ainly visited them fourteen, fifteen times. I swear she stores I' up until she smells me comin'. Any road, I'm in Mongolia, all right?"

Hey, this is Elijah's phone. I'm here but I'm avoiding someone so if I don't call you back…well, them's the breaks. *Beeeeeeep*

"Lij, it's Christine. Sean and I think Orli's absolutely adorable and so is Princess Mira. If you don't call him and congratulate Mira's head-lifting abilities, I will recruit you for baby-sitting duties for a month. Love ya! Bye!"

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

"Viggs, this is Dom. I've just landed in London and Orli's already told me about Mira's lifting her head up. Are you sure you want to encourage him with that photoshoot?"

Hi, this is Billy. If ye want tae leave a message, please wait fer th' tone. If ye want tae leave yer name an' number, please press pound, press 3, then dial yer name, then press 6 an' dial yer number. If ye want tae leave yer name an' just a message, press star, press 6, ask fer extension 4443, then leave yer name an' message. If ye want to leave yer number an' the time ye called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and--*BEEEEEEEEEEP*

"Your message is a sure sign of someone who has too much time on his hands. I know you're awake, mate. It's almost noon. Ring me back about later tonight."

Hello, you've reached Ian and Nick. We're not available at the moment, but we'll gladly get back to you at the soonest possible moment. Thank you and have a nice day. *Beeeep*

"Ian? It's Billy. Can I stay over there for a bit? OB's stalkin' me. He wants Mira tae drown me in vomit."

Creamed asparagus! *BEEEEEP*

"Dom? Viggo. Yes."

Hello, you have reached an automated answering machine system. Leave your name and a message after the tone. *Beeeeep*

"OB, this is Elijah. I just want to send my heartfelt congratulations on this august and unique event. I know I will never get over not being there when this happened and will likely drown my sorrows in liquor and women. Don't worry about me though; I'll manage somehow. My love to the Elf. The cute little natural blonde, not the one that couldn't shoot an arrow through the broadside of a barn."

Hey, this is Elijah's phone. I'm here but I'm avoiding someone so if I don't call you back…well, them's the breaks. *Beeeeeeep*

"Sod off, wanker."

Hello, you have reached an automated answering machine system. Leave your name and a message after the tone. *Beeeeep*

"Orlando, this is Ian. Billy wants me to tell you that he'd be happy to come with us to see Mira's latest batch--"

"Ian! No, ye daft twit, I didnae--"

"--of pictures as well as her new-found talent. Expect us around supper time and set out enough for six. I believe Sean will be bringing two of his girls around as well. Ta."

"--kill ye, ye wee-willied--"

*Click*

Hello, you have reached an automated answering machine system. Leave your name and a message after the tone. *Beeeeep*

"Orli, it's Sean. I might be running late. Andre came over to give us a lift. The girls took one look at him and are having a clothing crisis of massive proportions. See you in a bit."

Creamed asparagus! *BEEEEEP*

"Dom, this is Nick. Can you come over and try to convince Billy to stop beating on my boyfriend? Despite the fact that he's horribly spry and youthful-looking, Ian's much too much of a gentleman to fight back. Thanks, love."

Hey, this is Elijah's phone. I'm here but I'm avoiding someone so if I don't call you back…well, them's the breaks. *Beeeeeeep*

"'Lij? Ye've got tae hear Mira say me name! It ends up what OB thought was 'Pa' was actually 'Ba' as in 'Billy.' We all agreed when we heard it an' Orli's gone for a sulk in the backyard. Lord love me if she isnae the best girl in the world!"